Cruel Trick of Nature

This journey is so taxing on us emotionally. It’s a series of bumps and turns. Emotional roller coaster does not even begin to explain my feelings throughout the month… or even throughout a single day. There’s a country song that I really like right now by Morgan Wallen called Up Down. It’s supposed to be a fun and happy summer song. It talks about it being Friday night, you’re off work, and you “haven’t been there long but the bobber’s in the pond going up down, up down, up down.” I laugh when I hear that line, cuz that’s me! I haven’t been on this journey as long as many of you have. With only a year of heart ache, I still very much consider myself a newbie to this super “cool” group that I NEVER wanted to join. And honestly, my emotions vary so much in a matter of minutes that I can barely keep up. I’m jut going up down up down up down ALL DAY!

Sometimes it’s a big thing…like the dreaded Facebook pregnancy announcement. I could be in the best mood. Just relaxing and browsing the posts and WAM. Somebody I never expected to announce says their due in January. Cue the momentary bad mood, until I can rally and shake it off. Other times it’s nothing at all. Just a thought that creeps into my head. I’m playing with my son and were having a conversation about nothing in particular. And he overwhelms me with how smart and pensive he is. I revel in the experience of being able to have a real conversation with your toddler and how excited I am to watch him grow into a small person, only to be flooded with rage that he’s growing up so fast and all alone. I want time to stand still while I go through this infertility crap. I don’t want my children to be years apart (I don’t even allow myself to think of the possibility that there won’t be anymore children. I will never risk speaking that into existence!) I just want my boy to hold off on growing up until I can give him the brother or sister that he deserves to grow with and have adventures together. Growing up 10 years older than my next sibling makes me ache even more for this unfair turn of events. I purposely wanted my children close together to avoid the age gaps I grew up with that were my parents choice. But it seems I don’t have a choice in anything and the decision will be made without my consent to insert whatever age gap the powers that be decide.

This weekend was rough. I had a hard time with my failed IUI’s. I’ll admit to that. However, I never get hit too hard with sadness right before my period. I’ve usually come to terms with my fate and I embrace the start of my cycle with open arms because it truly is a new beginning and chance to try again. This month I was not so gracious and understanding of nature’s cruel workings.

My husband and I took our little man camping for the 4th. I knew my period was due the day we were leaving so I loaded up on tampons and pads. I didn’t think much about it until Friday night when I was reaching in my bag and saw the stash of supplies in there. I  was late! I’m never late. Could this be? I knew better than to get my hopes up. I continued on and kept this revelation to myself. I felt a moment of guilt and panic when my husband brought me a glass of wine by the campfire. I didn’t have any tests on me and I didn’t want to refuse and get his hopes up. I also didn’t want to allow myself to think that this could be it and then wind up disappointed. So I drank the glass and rationalized that plenty of women drink before they know they are pregnant and it is all good. Heck! I didn’t get a positive test with our first for 7 days after my missed period and I had more tequila and wine then I can count.

Anyhow, two more days passed and no period symptoms. No bad mood, no cramps, no general icky feeling. I felt happy and healthy and strong. I could feel the hope creeping in. I knew better than to do it, but I googled what my due date would be. I was so thrilled to see that it would be March 14th if I were pregnant. My sibling are both due in March and with that date I would be able to pick my scheduled C-section for March 11th, so both my babies are born on the 11th of their birth months. YUP! I had dove head first into this fantasy and there was no reeling me in. I already starting planning how I’d tell my mom.

That day my husband suggested we take a drive out to a local vineyard. I knew I’d have to tell him at this point. I was now 5 days late and I could not risk alcohol causing any problems with my child no matter how early on I was. He instantly got excited. I told him it was probably negative, but I just needed to be sure. He couldn’t stop smiling. My heart breaks just thinking of his happiness. Fast forward a few hours to us pulling into the local Walmart. The boy had fallen asleep so I ran in to grab a test and pee on it alone. There I was standing in the bathroom, praying fervently that this was it. Maybe we were one of those couples that tries a couple rounds of treatments and then conceives naturally in our month off. As the 3 minutes counted down on the Clearblue Easy, I laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. I text my husband and said I felt like a college girl going out for date night and peeing on a stick at the store to make sure she was good before downing some cheap beer or Cherry Burnett’s and Diet Coke.

Finally my 3 minutes were up. I said one last prayer and then I looked…


Yup. Let’s go drink.


Cycle Day 1…Again!

Cycle Day 1. CD 1. Day 1.

The first day of something is never good. I really hate first days. I mean let’s think about this. Opening night of a play. How many of you have ever gone on opening night? Sure it’s exciting! It’s new and full of promise… but also full of mistakes and missteps. The lighting cues aren’t quite right. Major players forget their lines. In the end, you’re regretting going on night one because it would have been better next weekend when the bugs and kinks are worked out.

What about the first day of school? Or the first day of a new job? So much nervous energy. You don’t know anyone… Are they gonna like you? What should you say? Where do you go? So unsure of yourself and how you ended up back at the beginning again.

My job has very creatively titled the first day at our organization….it’s called…wait for it…wait for it….”Day One” (I know…it shocked me as well with the pure cleverness of it). “Day One” sucks! It’s basically an 8 hour day where they tell you things like the year the hospital was built, the mission and vision statement of the organization, where not to park, and all about the comprehensive benefits package that you will be eligible for after your 90 day probation period is over. “Day One” is just too much for anyone to handle and the only saving grace is that you KNOW that you will never have to experience “Day One” again!

That’s cycle day 1 for me… every time… only there’s no promise that you will never have to live through it again. And let’s be real! We are ok living through it again. All the cramps and icky feelings are fine. We are simply asking for an approximately 9 month hiatus from CD 1 to allow us to do the job we were put on this earth to do. Is that too much to ask? I do not think so!

I remember those days back in college when perhaps I wasn’t quite as careful as I should have been and this feeling of relief would wash over me when my cycle started. It was like being granted a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance to make better choices. How contrasting that is to my feelings now? Seeing that bright red flash of color on the toilet paper fills me with a dread that is so profound I can barely breathe. Here we go again…Back at the beginning…another month of hoping and praying…another month of symptom spotting and thinking “this could be it”…another month of clomid induced hot flashes and bloating, so bad, that you consider pulling out your old maternity jeans for the comfort of that stretchy panel of fabric, but then think twice because “what if I jinx myself by wearing maternity pants and then I don’t get pregnant this month?” Ummm yeah…. cuz that’s how it works. A divine power is looking down on women and keeping their wombs empty because they fraudulently wore maternity pants when not pregnant. Does anyone else worry that the dumbest things will keep you from conceiving a child?

That will most definitely be a topic for a future post… A list of reasons for why I’m not pregnant. It will be like those “reasons why my kid is crying” posts, where the reasons are absolute nonsense and yet you believe wholeheartedly that they could be a factor.

I hate CD1.

Even after hearing the RE tell me on Monday that my pregnancy test was negative; and waiting 3 days for my cycle to start… I still feel defeated by CD1. It’s like the last bit of hope has been taken from me. But why did I even have hope to begin with? The blood test was negative. NEGATIVE. But maybe deep down inside I had myself convinced that ] I ovulated late and so then I implanted late. Soooo MAYBE, just maybe, my period won’t come and I’ll have this amazing miracle story where I thought I was out, but then SURPRISE I’m pregnant. Yeaaaaa…..NOPE! Cycle Day 1 is here…right on schedule. pexels-photo-395196.jpeg