I felt so good this month. Everything seemed to really be coming together nicely. I had ZERO side effects from the Clomid. Like I actually felt fabulous while taking it and even after. I maybe had 1 mild headache, but I can’t absolutely attribute that to Clomid as its been very rainy here and I usually get headaches when the weather is bad. When I went in for my post Clomid scan, I mentioned to the doctor that I had no side effects this month. He looks at me sadly and says, ” Let’s hope you haven’t gotten used to the dose and it wasn’t effective.” I had a moment of panic. I had not even thought about that being the reason for the lack of side effects. I thought it was a good thing.
But rest assured, my panic was quickly eliminated when my scan revealed 2 follicles at maturity and another one close behind. 3 FOLLICLES! So many targets now. This has got to be my month. I was so positive and relaxed in the days leading up to the IUI. My husband has been on the vitamins for 90 days now, he’s improved his diet, and he has limited his alcohol to almost nothing for 3 months! I was scheduled for my IUI on Friday (of last week) and I was even more excited because it would be the first time my husband could come to the appointment with me. I had him there at my side. I was calm and happy. When they injected the sample I visualized the sperm meeting the egg. I thought excitedly “what if two eggs get fertilized and we are blessed with twins!” Nothing but positivity radiating from me.
And then the doctor announced that we need to remain hopeful and that he put the sample as high and close as he could, but the count was very very low. Um excuse me? What? The count shouldn’t be low. He doesn’t have a low sperm count. He has motility and morphology issues. WHAT IS GOING ON? HOW LOW? The doctor just said low and walked out. Well I could not leave without the exact number. I kept telling myself low could just be 10 million. It’s low, but it’s proven effective in IUI’s with greater than 10 million. The nurse came in to schedule my next appointments. I again asked, “What was the exact count?” She looked sadly at me and said 1.2 million! 1.2 MILLION! I kindly thanked her, got dressed in a daze, and walked out sadly with my husband at my side. It wasn’t until we were in the lobby that he finally spoke and said, ” Well, I kinda wish we hadn’t found that out.” Cue the water works…
I pulled myself together 15 minutes later, but all positivity had been wrenched from my soul. 1.2 million? It just couldn’t be? How could it be so low when we were doing everything we were told to do? Why is fertility so unfair? My body did everything that it was supposed to! My labs looked amazing, my body ovulated perfectly, I responded beautifully to the Clomid. WHY?!
The rest of my weekend following the IUI was a blur. I was in a horrible mood. Didn’t really want to deal with people. But guess what? It was memorial day weekend and we were camping… in a pop up… with 6 people and a huge dog. So alone time was scarce. I had a glass of wine with dinner one of the nights. I started feeling guilty at first and then I replayed the 1.2 million in my head and ordered another. I went for a bike ride the next morning to try to get away from the thoughts in my head of my son growing up an only child. I know I was supposed to take it easy all weekend, but seriously… 1.2 million!
I was pretty much resigned to the fact that CD1 would be coming this month.
It was so funny because I did have one glimmer of hope. It was really stupid actually. I know that progesterone levels are not indicative of pregnancy at all. However, I have low progesterone that requires suppositories every month. On Wednesday I went in to confirm ovulation and check my levels and my progesterone came back at 26! 26 is my all time high for progesterone. I didn’t even need to supplement this month. I had a fleeting thought of what if? What if it actually worked? Crazier things have happened! I mean why else would my progesterone suddenly be 26 when its normally 3-9. I remained hopeful for the rest of the day.
And then I started thinking logically. Progesterone is released from the follicles once you ovulate. This was my first cycle with multiple follicles. My scientific brain told me that this shouldn’t give me hope at all. And suddenly I was filled with bitterness again that my body was doing what it is supposed to do and still our chances were less than 2%!