Cycle Day 1. CD 1. Day 1.
The first day of something is never good. I really hate first days. I mean let’s think about this. Opening night of a play. How many of you have ever gone on opening night? Sure it’s exciting! It’s new and full of promise… but also full of mistakes and missteps. The lighting cues aren’t quite right. Major players forget their lines. In the end, you’re regretting going on night one because it would have been better next weekend when the bugs and kinks are worked out.
What about the first day of school? Or the first day of a new job? So much nervous energy. You don’t know anyone… Are they gonna like you? What should you say? Where do you go? So unsure of yourself and how you ended up back at the beginning again.
My job has very creatively titled the first day at our organization….it’s called…wait for it…wait for it….”Day One” (I know…it shocked me as well with the pure cleverness of it). “Day One” sucks! It’s basically an 8 hour day where they tell you things like the year the hospital was built, the mission and vision statement of the organization, where not to park, and all about the comprehensive benefits package that you will be eligible for after your 90 day probation period is over. “Day One” is just too much for anyone to handle and the only saving grace is that you KNOW that you will never have to experience “Day One” again!
That’s cycle day 1 for me… every time… only there’s no promise that you will never have to live through it again. And let’s be real! We are ok living through it again. All the cramps and icky feelings are fine. We are simply asking for an approximately 9 month hiatus from CD 1 to allow us to do the job we were put on this earth to do. Is that too much to ask? I do not think so!
I remember those days back in college when perhaps I wasn’t quite as careful as I should have been and this feeling of relief would wash over me when my cycle started. It was like being granted a new beginning, a fresh start, another chance to make better choices. How contrasting that is to my feelings now? Seeing that bright red flash of color on the toilet paper fills me with a dread that is so profound I can barely breathe. Here we go again…Back at the beginning…another month of hoping and praying…another month of symptom spotting and thinking “this could be it”…another month of clomid induced hot flashes and bloating, so bad, that you consider pulling out your old maternity jeans for the comfort of that stretchy panel of fabric, but then think twice because “what if I jinx myself by wearing maternity pants and then I don’t get pregnant this month?” Ummm yeah…. cuz that’s how it works. A divine power is looking down on women and keeping their wombs empty because they fraudulently wore maternity pants when not pregnant. Does anyone else worry that the dumbest things will keep you from conceiving a child?
That will most definitely be a topic for a future post… A list of reasons for why I’m not pregnant. It will be like those “reasons why my kid is crying” posts, where the reasons are absolute nonsense and yet you believe wholeheartedly that they could be a factor.
I hate CD1.
Even after hearing the RE tell me on Monday that my pregnancy test was negative; and waiting 3 days for my cycle to start… I still feel defeated by CD1. It’s like the last bit of hope has been taken from me. But why did I even have hope to begin with? The blood test was negative. NEGATIVE. But maybe deep down inside I had myself convinced that ] I ovulated late and so then I implanted late. Soooo MAYBE, just maybe, my period won’t come and I’ll have this amazing miracle story where I thought I was out, but then SURPRISE I’m pregnant. Yeaaaaa…..NOPE! Cycle Day 1 is here…right on schedule.