So here I am…writing my very first blog post. For years, people have been telling me I should write a blog or a book because apparently I have a knack for posting award winning Facebook posts! Evidently, my ability to spin mundane life events into a witty and laugh worthy Facebook post is the stuff that books are made of. I would always laugh off the suggestion because honestly…what did I have to write about in a blog and who would want to read my book??? Life has been pretty standard so far. Everything moving along by design. I doubted my ability to sustain a blog about a girl who graduates high school, goes to college, gets a job, gets married, and pops out a kid approximately 1 year later. I mean isn’t that the way the life of an American woman is supposed to look?
So now you’re probably thinking um…. why are you writing a blog then? The answer is simple…life suddenly came to a halt, turned around, and bitch slapped me in the face SO HARD that I’m still trying to get myself together. But I am getting ahead of myself. Let me back up and tell you about me. Well, I’ll tell you about the me up to this point. The story of me before “Secondary Infertility” took over my google searches, Facebook groups, and every thought in my mind.
My name is Lexy. I am approximately 30 years old. I work full time as a nurse. I am married to a pretty great guy and I have one son who is the closest thing to perfection that has ever walked this planet. He just turned 2 in December and is everything I have ever dreamed of in a child. We also have a pretty adorable fur-baby who will be 3 in September. So far everything has moved right along the path that I laid down one boring day in math class in 7th grade… Yes! 7th grade! That is when I made the “blueprint” for my life in a black leather bound book that I hid in my desk, always available for me to write down my ideas whenever inspiration struck. It’s where I played “MASH” (who remembers that game…you know where you right down three choices in each category like husband, career, car, kids, etc. and then you randomly pick a number to count off by to figure out what your future holds) and where I jotted down the names of my future children, career choices, the name of the college I would go to… It was the plan that my life was meant to follow.
Notice I said future children…not child. I guess I have to add the next chapter of my life. This is definitely not something I had worked into my plan way back in Mr. Edward’s math class. Nevertheless, here I am. Getting poked, prodded, and “pilled” all in the name of love. The love I speak of is the love of being a mother. That raw and primal urge to procreate. That indescribable feeling in the pit of your stomach when you watch your child play by himself and ache to give him siblings that he can grow up with, laugh with, fight with, and dream with.
I never imagined that I would be adding the words Clomid, HSG, Letrozole, Trigger Shots, IUI, and IVF into the blueprint of MY life. Those are things that those other women talk about! The ones without children… Certainly not me. Not the girl with the beautiful 2 year old boy who was conceived in an act of love between two people. No fertility drugs needed. I’m not the kind of girl who needs science to help me do what God intended a woman to do. Right?
Oh how foolish that all sounds when I write it out! But that’s what I honestly thought. I assumed the word infertile referred to a woman who could not have a child naturally. But I already did that. So I can’t be infertile can I? Cue Secondary Infertility…
The definition of secondary infertility is the inability to become pregnant or to carry a baby to term after previously giving birth to a baby. I didn’t even know that was a thing! How do you go through 6 years of nursing school and 10 years of nursing experience and never come across this term? It wasn’t until a random google session while I sat on the bathroom floor, crying and waiting those 3 minutes for that little line to appear. Of course it never appeared. Not then and not the 50 times after.
I chose this Martin Luther King Jr. quote for my very first blog because it really spoke to me. It’s what I think to myself after every negative test. It’s what I think to myself on every cycle day 1. It’s what I think every time one of my close friends announces their 2nd, 3rd, or 8th pregnancy. I just gotta keep moving. If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. And for goodness sake, if you can’t get pregnant by having unprotected sex like they told you in high school health class, then borrow against your 401K, find the best reproductive endocrinologist, and pump your body full of every drug recommended. You know why? Because my motherhood blueprint clearly depicted me with multiple children and I refuse to let life change my version of happiness. I will keep fighting to have my ideal family unit and I will KEEP MOVING!
I got my results for my pregnancy blood test on Monday. It was negative. I was told to stop the progesterone suppositories and wait for my cycle to start. I haven’t had a glass of wine in 3 months since starting all the medications. Tonight I poured myself a big ole glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I need just one moment to recharge before putting on the brave face and starting again. I’m gonna put down my phone, stop the google searches, and ignore the posts in my infertility support groups. I’m going to enjoy my glass of wine and forget reality by binge watching re-runs of Friends on Netflix. Cheers to continuing to find a new path in the journey of life…
If you can’t fly, then run, if you can’t walk run, then walk, if you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means keep moving. – Martin Luther King Jr